Autofocus Read online

  “Do I have to run to the bathroom again?” I ask.

  “Nope, just soda,” he says with a wink. I take a sip. Definitely not just soda.

  “How much have you had to drink?” I ask Treena.

  “Oh, you know,” she laughs, and I know it’s more than the one drink we had together. And I’m starting to wonder if she drank more than the one time she mentioned to me when I first arrived.

  “And everything’s okay?” I ask, glancing at Trey, then her.

  “Everything is great,” she says, smiling, looking at Trey, who’s also looking at another girl. But maybe that’s just them. Maybe he’s only talking to that girl, and it’s innocent.

  “Okay,” I say, nodding. “I’m going to go to the bathroom, cool?”

  “See you in a bit,” she says with a wink, and I leave. I finish my drink quickly, then, inside the restroom, stare at myself in the mirror. My eyes look deeper, my face seems paler, but it’s probably the lights. The me in the mirror is spinning a little bit, but I feel good. I feel brave.

  I can’t help but think I look more like my mother here, and maybe it’s just because I know more about her. She might have come here. No, she wouldn’t have come to a country music club. But she would have gone to a club. To a party. She would be the one turning heads. She would have been confident and in control.

  Maybe I do have a little bit of that in me.

  I leave the bathroom with one destination in mind. I locate Bennett easily—right where he was earlier. But to my dismay, that same pixie-haired girl from the dorm party a few days ago is talking to him.

  I straighten up and walk right toward them.

  “Hey,” I say, eyeing her, then glancing coyly at him.

  “Hey,” he says, automatically putting his hand around me, on the small of my back. Like I’m with him. My face heats up, and I can’t suppress a smile.

  “Hi, Maude,” she says. “Was just stopping by to say hi—ugh, I was dragged here by my roommate.”

  “We were, too,” Bennett says with an exaggerated eye roll, and I nod in agreement.

  “Well, giddy-up, I’ll talk to you guys later,” she says with a quick wave. She walks away and I turn toward Bennett.

  “Hey,” I say, looking up to him.

  “Hey,” he says simply, earnestly. No joke, nothing.

  “Having fun?” I ask, cocking my head to the side and letting my hair spill over my shoulder.

  “Surprisingly, yes. Which I never thought I’d say at a place like this.” He smiles, leaning against the wall. His hand drops from my back and I furrow my brow in frustration. So I move in closer, facing him, only a few inches away. “How is the couple doing?”

  “We don’t have to talk about them,” I say, shaking my head and walking closer until we’re basically touching. I put my hands on the wall, on both sides of his waist.

  “Okay,” he says nervously. “What do you want to talk about?”

  “What’s your . . . favorite comic?” I ask, going for his interest.

  “That’s like asking my favorite child, if I had children,” he says, and I don’t move, so he answers, “Probably Blankets, this graphic novel about growing up and falling in love and family and stuff. I read it last year, and it really felt . . . real, I guess.” He’s babbling; I’m making him nervous. I never knew I had the power to do that. It fills me up and pushes me forward.

  “It sounds good.” I lean closer to him. “I have a confession for you,” I say, and he hesitantly asks, “What?”

  “I read Sailor Moon.” I smile.

  “I knew you were holding out on me.” He grins.

  “There’s more,” I say. “I was a Sailor Scout for Halloween last year.”

  “NO!”

  “Ask Treena,” I say. Our school had a dance, and it was kind of lame, but we got to dress up. That was the best part.

  “Which scout were you? Let me guess. Brown hair . . . Jupiter?”

  “Correct!” I grin.

  “You probably should have brought the costume. I’m just saying. . . .”

  “I didn’t know I’d meet you,” I say, looking him right in the eyes. He looks at me like he’s trying to figure me out, like he’s debating what to do, so I take a leap and lean forward. I feel his hands rise to my shoulders, then slowly make their way down to my wrists.

  “Maude,” he says gently.

  “Yes?” I ask, raising an eyebrow and leaning in.

  “Maude,” he says again, a little stronger, grabbing hold of my wrists. “Not . . . now.”

  I freeze in place. “What?”

  “Not now,” he sighs. “This isn’t . . . this isn’t the right time.” His voice sounds strained.

  I recoil, feeling my cheeks redden. I thought he wanted this, too. I thought he was hinting at it. He danced with me; he put his hand on my back. He was close all week. And now, when we have a chance, no?

  “Then when is the right time?” I ask, crossing my arms in front of me. “When I’m gone?”

  “No, it’s not like that,” he says, rubbing his face with his hand.

  “Then what is it like?” I ask, frustrated.

  “This isn’t you,” he says.

  “How do you know this isn’t me?” I ask. “This could be me.”

  “But it’s not.”

  “Then tell me—who am I? Because I’m dying to find out,” I say sarcastically.

  “Well, right now, you’re drunk. And we aren’t going to do anything when you’re drunk.”

  “You liked me last night when I was drinking,” I point out.

  “And I didn’t do anything then, either.”

  “And when I’m sober?”

  “What, did you want me to just start making out with you right before you met Jessica? Because that might have been awkward,” he says, biting back at me. I purse my lips and shake my head. Why is this so hard? Why can’t I even do this right?

  He sighs, and puts his hands on my arms again. I step back, away from his embrace. “I do like you, but not like this. You haven’t acted like this all week, and now, after finding out about your mother, you start . . . changing? The short skirt, the pushiness? It’s not you.”

  “Well, maybe it is.”

  “And maybe it’s not,” he says, and I shake my head again.

  “You’re just scared,” I say, not sure what he might be scared of, but feeling it’s the right thing to say.

  “Yeah, I am, and you know that. I thought you got it.”

  “And I thought you got me,” I say.

  “I thought I did, too,” he says, and I frown at him, squinting my eyes until he’s merely a blur. What was I thinking, anyway? Who does he think he is, telling me who I am, or who I can be? I can be or do whatever I want.

  I turn around and though I hear him call my name, I ignore his voice. I have a new destination in mind.

  I’m shaking by the time I get to the bar. It’s not the one where Trey and Treena are sitting. I don’t want to talk to them right now, see them in their happiness.

  I know the bartender won’t serve me, but that doesn’t mean they won’t serve anyone else around. I spot a guy who has a wristband, and he looks at me appreciatively. He looks familiar, and I realize it’s Trey’s friend Brad. I stand up straight, chest out, and lean casually on the bar, hiding my one X-marked hand behind my back.

  “Hello,” he says, eyeing me up and down, and it feels different, getting this attention. He does look just like Trey, and it’s annoying, but he’s hot so whatever.

  “Hello yourself,” I say with my best forward voice.

  “You’re Treena’s friend, right?” he asks, smiling at me.

  “Maude, yes. And you’re Trey’s friend.”

  “Brad,” he laughs. “Can I get you a drink?” he asks, and bingo.

  “Sure.” I smile.

  “What are you drinking?”

  “Whatever you’re drinking,” I say, realizing that I have no idea what we’ve been drinking all night.

  “
Coming right up,” he says, turning back to the bar. I look back and Bennett’s right behind me.

  “What are you doing?” he asks.

  “I’m having fun. What are you doing?” I ask him.

  “Come on, let’s go find the others and get out of here. I’m not going to just leave you by the bar.”

  “Why? I’ll be perfectly fine,” I say stoically.

  “Maude, come on, I feel bad about what I said. Let’s just go back, and—”

  “Hey, I know you,” Brad says. “You’re in my class, right?” He hands me a drink. Bennett looks at him, then back to me, then back to him again.

  “Yeah,” he says. “Hey, Brad.”

  “OH! You did that homework for Trey and me when we had that game. Dude, thank you. You saved my ass.”

  I look at Bennett, and his ears redden. He does homework for Trey?

  “It was just the one time,” he says to Brad, but I know he’s saying it for my benefit.

  “Whatever,” he says. “Hey, weren’t you going to hook up with some chick tonight? I heard Trey saying something about that.”

  Bennett shoots me a look and I feel it in my heart. Then he looks at Brad. “Turns out that ‘chick’ wasn’t who I thought she was.”

  I breathe in deep and glare at him. Brad is clearly oblivious to what’s going on, since he adds, “So? Have fun, then get rid of her.”

  “Fascinating suggestion,” Bennett says, glaring at me. “Don’t you think, Maude?”

  “Yep,” I say, staring right back at him.

  “Am I missing something?” Brad asks, ever observant.

  “No, Bennett was just leaving and he came to tell me. Bye, Bennett!”

  “Maude, come on.”

  “Bye, Bennett!” I say again, sweetly, and he glares at me before turning around to leave. My heart thumps in my chest as I turn back to Brad. “So.” I take a sip of the drink and get back to the buzz I had earlier, before it was crushed.

  “So,” he says, moving in close, just as I did to Bennett earlier. I feel him hovering around me, feel his breath on my neck. “Tell me about yourself.”

  “Not much to tell,” I say as I feel his hand on my waist. The touch wakes me up. His glassy eyes look down on me not like I’m someone, but more like I’m something. A prop. A goal for the night. I shrug his hand off my waist and step back.

  “What?” he asks, grabbing my waist again and pulling me against him. Body on body. His hand is strong, and I try to break free, but I can’t. I put my hand on his chest to push back, but he takes it as an invitation, and starts brushing his lips against my collarbone. Images flash before my eyes of this happening, of what could happen next. And I think of Bennett, who would never have done something like this to me. And I’m mortified and scared as tears spring to my face. But my reflexes kick in, and when pushing against him doesn’t work again, I bring my leg up and knee him as hard as I can.

  “What the hell?” he gasps, grabbing his crotch. I run toward the bathroom, hear him yelling “bitch” behind me. When I get inside, I’m panting and crying. I look at the sinks and see Treena there, staring at herself in the mirror.

  “Tree!” I yell. “I’m so stupid, I’m so stupid.” I run over to her, and when she turns around, she has tears in her eyes and black mascara lines running down her cheeks. “What? What happened?”

  “Trey,” she hiccups. “I caught him kissing another girl.”

  “Oh my god,” I say, hugging her. “Are you okay?”

  “No! I shouldn’t have come here,” she exclaims. “If I didn’t come, I wouldn’t have known, then we would have been okay.”

  “Wait, what?” I ask, pulling away.

  She shakes her head, but I make her talk. “I kind of thought he might have other girls, but I just . . . I didn’t want to know if I was right . . .” she says.

  “Why? WHY would that be okay?”

  “Because look at him!” she nearly shouts, gesturing toward the door. “I’m not dumb. All those lunches he had with girls? They weren’t just friends.”

  “Then why are you with him?”

  “I’m not from his universe!” she says, flailing her arms around dramatically, and she’s insanely overreacting. “I know there are other girls, but there’s also me. He chose me, too. And I don’t want to lose him.”

  “Tree, that’s ridiculous. You’re so much better than him. If he’s cheating, get rid of him. Find a guy who doesn’t. Someone a million times better.”

  “No!” she says. “I want Trey. He’s so . . . he’s so good to me. I mean, it’s not just his looks. He’s nice and sweet,” she sobs. “Like last night, he really was nice. He likes me. And I really like him. I don’t want to lose him.”

  I get that he’s her first boyfriend, and I get that she’s into him, but I’m worried about how hard she’s falling. Especially for someone like this. I knew something was off about Trey, I knew it. “He’s not worth it,” I say, trying to level with her. How can she see him as perfect, when he’s clearly less than that? I thought he was crappy from the start, and I should have said something. “He’s a shitty guy—why keep him around?”

  “What do you know?” She turns on me. “You’ve never even had a boyfriend. You wouldn’t know what it’s like.”

  I balk and stare at her. “What? Tree . . .”

  “I knew you didn’t like him from the start. You were jealous that I had someone and you didn’t. So that’s why you went to Bennett, but you screwed that up, didn’t you? I saw him out there pissed off.”

  “Tree—”

  “No, if you didn’t bring me to this club, I wouldn’t have known.”

  “Me? You wanted to come! I wanted to stay at the carnival.” I look down at my outfit and realize there was a reason for the skirt all along. She was always planning on going wherever Trey was, no matter if I wanted to or not.

  “Of course you did, because that’s your life. Safe. You don’t take any chances.”

  “And what you’re doing is so much better? Getting drunk every night just to please your awful boyfriend? Staying with a guy who doesn’t want to be with just you? Why would I want to turn into that?”

  “Because it’s fun! I don’t want to just go to carnivals and watch movies anymore. I want to stay out and party. I want to enjoy college. I’m not in high school anymore. I’m different. I don’t want it to be like we were back then—I don’t want to be that boring girl anymore.”

  “Boring girl like me?” I ask. I look at her standing there screaming at me in the bathroom, and I don’t recognize her. I don’t recognize the Treena I used to know and love. This is not her. This is a warped twin who took over her body. And I have no idea what to do with it. “Treena,” I say, going closer to her. I won’t give up on her. “What is all of this about? Talk to me.”

  She shakes her head and hits her tiny fist against the sink. “I’m trying, I’m trying so hard,” she says.

  “Trying what?”

  “Everything! College! Fitting in! Do you think it’s easy? It’s terrifying. I’m just trying to be me, and I don’t even know who I am. I just know I don’t want to be that same girl who played it safe for her parents’ sake back in high school.”

  “What was so bad about her?”

  She shakes her head. “You’ll see next year. Being the quiet, smart girl isn’t enough anymore. And I don’t know how to balance that girl with the one I want to be now. I don’t know how to be her anymore for you.”

  “For me?” I ask. Did college change her so quickly? “You shouldn’t have to be anyone for me.”

  “Then, please, just let me be the crazy girl who’s upset that her guy is with another girl.”

  I look at her, and she’s right. She’s different, and she can’t go back to the girl I remember, as much as I want her to. This is a new layer, a new version. So I shake my head and leave her to figure herself out right there. If we say anything more, we might regret it.

  I open the door, and stumble right onto someone outside.
“Oof,” I say, looking up at Bennett. Of course.

  “What?” I ask, not in the mood for anything or anyone.

  “Jesus, Maude, I’m just looking for Treena. I heard what happened, so I’m trying to get her so I can take her home. Don’t worry, I’m not trying to take you away from the fun you’re so clearly having.”

  I look at him, and I want to cry for everything that happened, and everything that didn’t. But the room starts spinning and the lights get brighter and the noise gets louder. It feels like everyone is looking at me, and yet no one knows I’m here. And suddenly I feel tired, really tired, from the weight of the day. So I throw my arms around his shoulders and everything turns black.

  TWENTY-ONE

  THURSDAY

  I wake up and have no idea where I am. I know the smell, I know the feeling, but I don’t know where I am, and I don’t know how I got here. My heart starts racing as the reality sets in—I don’t know how I got here. Terrified, I jerk up and flick my eyes open.

  Bennett’s room. Oh. Okay. My breathing is fast and furious and it’s only when I calm it down that I realize how much my head hurts. “Shit,” I whisper.

  “You deserve that,” I hear to my left. I look over and Bennett is lying on his roommate’s bed, looking at the ceiling. He sounds so cold. I have no idea why, and I still have no idea why I’m here.

  “What?” I ask, my voice scratchy. I stretch my legs and they feel bare against the sheets. I look quickly, fearing there might be another surprise waiting for me, and realize I’m not bottomless, just wearing a very short skirt that isn’t mine. I look up and when I see Bennett again, everything starts flashing back.

  “Oh my god,” I say, bringing my knees to my chest and covering my face with my hands. All of that happened last night. All of it was my doing. I was acting instead of thinking. I was someone else. Why did I do all of that? Why did I let myself do it?

  I think of Brad, and him making a pass at me. How scared I was. How much worse it could have been. I think of Treena yelling at me in the bathroom, and how awful she was. I remember the look of pain in Bennett’s eyes when I walked away. My heart feels like it’s breaking inside, and I’m crumbling. I feel the lump in my throat as I sniff back a tear.